updates (aka flashbacks)
i remember now.
i wanted a blog where i can share my inner thoughts, the kind that not even my friends can understand (i lost my bestfriend a couple of years ago and my closest friends may not understand my struggles then). and imcubi was born. i did not invite people to read my blog, although, i find it comforting somehow when someone reads my entries (which later became scary).
and then there’s this shem episode. i had a younger (read: way younger) boyfriend with personal issues and we broke up. i tried fixing things a lot of times but it just doesn’t seem to work out. and i found out later, he has been courting this girl for quite sometime. and during the last bitter goodbye conversation that we had, they’re already a couple.
while slowly recuperating, i met someone and eventually had a relationship mutual co-existence with that someone (unfortunately). okay, mutual co-existence IS a better term considering that i am trying to veer away from any implication of being related to him. sadly, shem and i reconnected while i was in a mutual co-existence set-up and he’s in a relationship. it was a personal struggle that ended fine that time. shem stayed with austra. i stayed with the guy. it is not all happy ever after, but it’s bearable.
then i was dumped. and the couple broke up temporarily. i don’t know what happened first but we found each other again. believe me, on my part, the old flame is dead. i am busy with the healing process and slowly rediscovering myself when we decided to see each other again. for him, maybe he’s just curious. he’s young. he’s undecided. he wanted to keep it a secret and never to tell austra. i didn’t and i had no plans of telling her. i couldn’t care less.
sadly, she found out. she was furious. i saw the same type of furious in her as how angry i was when i learned that he is in a relationship and he tried to “wow” me again, and i was easily caught up in his bait. as expected, she hated me.
i tried to straighten things out with shem and at least get a decent explanation. i did not. but as i type my blog now, the same words are etched in my mind even earlier as i pour my heart out to him.and i told him:
” if there’s something i learned from the bad breakups i had with u or with j
it would be owning up everything.
i made decisions, some bad and some good
and i will be responsible for all of them.
i am still glad na kahit papano, i am still whole.
and not broken or bitter about things.”
“after a long time of silence, things should have stayed that way.”
” it took a while. and for the nth time, i know that there is a perfect plan for me. all i have to do is wait.”
you ask me, am i happy? not having him around is fine, but i don’t feel sad like i lost something or someone. i already lost him or what i have for him before. i don’t think you can lose something that you never had in the first place. my new mantra now is “things work for the best”.
this gives me more reason to close this blogsite. but at the same time, all the things i wrote are reflections of who i am and partly explanations to the unexplored, misunderstood part of me.
i am sleepy.yet my mind is wide awake.
—cubi, thankful
