I don’t burn bridges, I burn calories
Running has always been my passion, ever since I discovered that running can help me burn calories faster and it is less expensive than getting some gym membership. But no, we are not going to talk about running (let’s talk about it when I’ve already achieved my desired weight).
Lemme tell you about how hard it is to burn bridges. When you’re single, you think there are billions of people in the world. But when you finally like someone, the world is reduced to you and those who matter to you. Maybe that is the same logic as to why getting over someone or forgetting someone who shared a special moment with you.
There’s this guy I “dated” on and off for almost three years. “Dated” is defined as going out exclusively for the said date. So after years of going out and spending time whenever his schedule permits, I decided to throw in the towel. Having influenced by Delamar of “THE morning rush”, I decided that I don’t and won’t need guys I dated since I have a lot of friends. Hence, burning some important and worthless bridges (let us not identify which is which).
One soul, however, still couldn’t get it. Three attempts of friend-ing and unfriending me on facebook wasn’t enough for him to get the message. So for the last time, I added him, chatted with him and told him the point before unfriending him for the 4th (and hopefully) the last time. My message: why go out with me when you have someone else in mind? Why did you give me false hopes when you already have someone? why keep me on your network when you’re already taken?
Answers to those questions are no longer necessary. Yes, stalking is fun for the bored and the bitter heart. But at the end of the day, marinating in the memory of something I will never have again is worse than thinking endless what-might-have-beens. Or maybe not.
The advent and power of social media allowed me to vehemently promote my presence and unfriend those poor souls. However, their presence couldn’t be completely ignored. Among the millions of users of social networking sites in the world, you’re still bound to get news feeds, pictures, etc from them whether you like it or not, because the world is small enough to orchestrate things and allow you to have an encounter with you and your ex-something’s mutual friends.
Oh dear, 3 years is such a waste of time. And so is eleven months in a bad romance. I rest my case.
prince or no prince
i was surprised to see the comments i got from the previous post. aside from the well written critically-acclaimed raging hormones comment i got from someone i know, i also got comments from readers who accidentally stumbled on my blog and were very interested to find out what happened to the last guy.
well, we’re friends, but i am keeping my distance. we used to be friends, but due to recent events he moved away and never looked back. if you find him interesting, you can follow him on twitter, or on his blog. he updates it religiously. according to those who gave their comments, he’s a great loss. i understand where you’re coming from.i know he’s a good friend–he was. he the GREATEST spoiler i’ve ever known. i kinda miss the intelligent conversations (aka practicing speaking in english with him while getting my message across), the out-of-the-box surprises and gastronomic trips.
latest news: he un-friended me on facebook. and i totally understand it. prince or no prince, my decision holds true. this is my life, allow me to make mistakes, and yes, i made a lot apparently.
An Open Letter to Chenggay Jego
A big shout out to a former officemate and my number one blog fan Chenggay Jego. It’s just weird that someone actually craved for my ranting and my emo energy when i thought the world is about to crumble.
life was miserable after losing “that guy”: i lost my job, i was jobless for eight months, and i felt that i lost all my confidence.
three years forward, i am wonderfully settled in my job (for two years) with a new responsibility on my shoulders: to literally walk the walk and walk the talk (or something to that effect).
so you’d ask me: whatever happened to all that ranting?i grew up.
whatever happened to the emo energy?i let go, i moved on.
and yes, love is more stable now. 
but don’t get me wrong, i still am emo at times. and i can rant and rant all i want because this is my site, and there are people like chenggay who appreciates the bitterness that comes from this blog. so to all of you…enjoy!
xoxo,
cubi
of frogs and princes
i am trying my best to act as if nothing traumatizing happened the past week because based on experience, i am not good at dealing with things when i’m emotional, and i do not want other people to suffer my wrath (when in reality, some can attest to how unreasonable i can be under pressure).
i didn’t want to write in response to the post written for me and intended for the whole world to see; but i felt that somehow, i could have prevented this to happen if i only swallowed my ego and explained my side right away. unfortunately, people and recurring issues can be stressful sometimes and i wanted to be spared from all of it.
just to set things straight,i said that i LIKED him before. if you ask me now, (and i have told him a gazillion times before) i can tell you with all honesty that i gave up on him. i do not see myself with him anymore as i have accepted certain things in life such as “growing old with someone i love is optional”, as well as “friendship is more important than a romantic relationship”. in the same manner, i was awakened by the fact that hanging out with a guy who likes me would mean giving him HOPE that one day, i’ll realize his worth, love every inch of him and understand him.
i had offered my friendship before i stopped entertaining the thought that there’s a romantic future between us and i made it clear that that’s only how far it’ll go for both of us. hence, i believed, and i still do that i can hope on other people, drunk dial my ex, go out with other people and have as much fun as i want to (without undermining the care and concern i have for someone i LIKED).
i think that i blurted out my frustrations to my friends. and i certainly did not intend the rest of the world to know. i do not wish to resolve things that i have no control of. i can only hope for the best.
this quarter has been a very interesting quarter for me as i’ve encountered princes in different shapes and sizes, and how life-changing they can be sometimes.
i’d like to think that i am smart enough to distinguish a frog from a prince,and how to value friendships without losing self-respect.
–cubi, sleepy
no regrets
i always tell myself that i am a better person now.
and i hope people see that in me.
my life is not perfect and i am working hard to fulfill my dreams. i have to be reminded of this everyday.
and if all else fails, i’d like to know if you can be there for me.
–cubi, sleepy
alter/ego
i still feel like i’m 16.
i still daydream that one day someone would promise me an everlasting opportunity of being with him (in this world).
i had a boyfriend before and before we even got to the point of growing with each other’s company, the dream died.
now, having survived a quarter of a century with scarred heart and awful memories, i am planning a wedding for my sister. it’s going to be a decent wedding, and i plan to make my sister happy by giving her a good wedding experience.
as we go to the littlest detail, it dawned on me that i have not fully envisioned a dream wedding and post-wedding scenario for myself. or maybe i used to have very detailed plans on what to wear and the motif of my wedding, but i can never imagine what i’ll be like after the wedding. will i be like mom and be the martyr of the family? will i cheat on my better half and ask for forgiveness and turn into an evil partner and parent (just like my dad)? will i die alone in frustration and sadness after wasting my serendipitous encounters with “the one”?
life is short and though i have wasted my youth, i still cling on to the promise that the race is long, and sometimes, my only enemy is myself. if i let sadness and pain eat me, how can i move on to the better things life has to offer?
i still feel 16, only i have a scarred but still functioning heart.
–cubi, not making any sense
He, she, he
There was a man she loved
He left her behind
With him she envisioned herself growing old
But all she got: bitterness and frustration all bottled up inside
There was a man who loves her
He does not care about her past
He wants to be part of her life
She’s just not ready to take on another fight
There is a man
Who has moved on with his life
He doesn’t know she thinks of him sometimes
And wonders if he thinks of her too
There is this moment waiting to happen
When the universe will conspire
And finally give her the peace that she wants
No more wrath, she’s had enough.
win-win situation (c/o postsecret.com)
so much for tisha drama
tonight, i decided to cut the tie that binds us. tish was my best friend for the longest time and now that doesn’t mean a thing. i was saddened by the fact that until now, she blames me for things that weren’t my fault to begin with. she does not feel comfortable around me. she just pretended to act like a friend when we last met but the fact that she is sick and tired of me is undeniable. without tish, i wouldn’t be having drama series with shem. without her, i can mind my own business. without her, life is simple.
things are different now. i am now used to leaving people if it means making them happier. i am also determined to fulfill my dreams, because that’s the only thing that i have right now. thanks to her, letting go is easier, and now i am happy i did years ago.
ladies’ choice
mothers hate me.
my first boyfriend’s mom was unaware that I had a relationship with their son. my other ex-boyfriend’s mom was scarily nice to me when i met her but i discovered all the nasty things she said about me and my family behind my back. the guy i dated on and off for years has a mom who told me to stay away from her son. i had a similar story with the mom of some guy i dated way back in college.
among the many horror stories i had with mothers, i had my fair share of horror stories with my own mom. one pre-menopausal episode with my mom made her lock us (aka me and my sister) out of our little house one summer night. it was only when i got older that i realized that incident was part of her menopausal tantrums, and the 40-year gap (aka having kids at a later age) was not helpful at all.
this is originally a tribute to all the loving moms and to my mom as well. but since mother’s day has passed (and all i did was whine about how miserable life has been to me now that i am actively seeking employment), i am hoping that i can still post this, in the spirit of “rent”: no day but today.
i will never understand how or why mothers suddenly turn into monsters. in the same manner that i will never know when i will look back at this blog post and remind myself how a woman sees the universe now that she has to shelter her child from the world.
i guess, this is my way of justifying things. i’ve been treated badly by mothers but i still look up to them.
i think mothers make difficult choices. and in the process of doing so, the decisions that they make can sometimes affect other people without them knowing the consequences of their actions. believe me, we are all products of the trials and errors that mothers make. every single day.
i pray that one day i’ll grow up to be a fine lady who is far wiser than some of the moms i mentioned.
cubi, nostalgic
updates (aka flashbacks)
i remember now.
i wanted a blog where i can share my inner thoughts, the kind that not even my friends can understand (i lost my bestfriend a couple of years ago and my closest friends may not understand my struggles then). and imcubi was born. i did not invite people to read my blog, although, i find it comforting somehow when someone reads my entries (which later became scary).
and then there’s this shem episode. i had a younger (read: way younger) boyfriend with personal issues and we broke up. i tried fixing things a lot of times but it just doesn’t seem to work out. and i found out later, he has been courting this girl for quite sometime. and during the last bitter goodbye conversation that we had, they’re already a couple.
while slowly recuperating, i met someone and eventually had a relationship mutual co-existence with that someone (unfortunately). okay, mutual co-existence IS a better term considering that i am trying to veer away from any implication of being related to him. sadly, shem and i reconnected while i was in a mutual co-existence set-up and he’s in a relationship. it was a personal struggle that ended fine that time. shem stayed with austra. i stayed with the guy. it is not all happy ever after, but it’s bearable.
then i was dumped. and the couple broke up temporarily. i don’t know what happened first but we found each other again. believe me, on my part, the old flame is dead. i am busy with the healing process and slowly rediscovering myself when we decided to see each other again. for him, maybe he’s just curious. he’s young. he’s undecided. he wanted to keep it a secret and never to tell austra. i didn’t and i had no plans of telling her. i couldn’t care less.
sadly, she found out. she was furious. i saw the same type of furious in her as how angry i was when i learned that he is in a relationship and he tried to “wow” me again, and i was easily caught up in his bait. as expected, she hated me.
i tried to straighten things out with shem and at least get a decent explanation. i did not. but as i type my blog now, the same words are etched in my mind even earlier as i pour my heart out to him.and i told him:
” if there’s something i learned from the bad breakups i had with u or with j
it would be owning up everything.
i made decisions, some bad and some good
and i will be responsible for all of them.
i am still glad na kahit papano, i am still whole.
and not broken or bitter about things.”
“after a long time of silence, things should have stayed that way.”
” it took a while. and for the nth time, i know that there is a perfect plan for me. all i have to do is wait.”
you ask me, am i happy? not having him around is fine, but i don’t feel sad like i lost something or someone. i already lost him or what i have for him before. i don’t think you can lose something that you never had in the first place. my new mantra now is “things work for the best”.
this gives me more reason to close this blogsite. but at the same time, all the things i wrote are reflections of who i am and partly explanations to the unexplored, misunderstood part of me.
i am sleepy.yet my mind is wide awake.
—cubi, thankful
scriptures on letting go, moving on and words of wisdom after being dumped by your (ex)boyfriend
blogging for me was never about world domination like pablo banilla’s multiply/friendster accounts or getting back at an ex-boyfriend like brian gorell’s blog. i wanted to understand myself better, make sense of the world, and yeah, a couple of months back, to recuperate from a very traumatic break-up.
i wanted the world to know that i was hurting (but almost never plugged my site except to less than 5 people). and i also wanted the pain to subside. today, as i write this blog, i feel like another chapter is beginning for me–literally and figuratively.
for some weird reason i’d check on my stats ever so often to make sure that my angsts stay within the confines of my “regular readers” (aka close friends). amazingly, i saw that one of my blog entries has reached more than 40 views. now i don’t know if i’ll be happy about it or scared that someone might just approach me and tell me how pathetic/bad/linguistically unappealing my blog is.
but seeing my site as part of the search results for “scripture for moving on/surviving post-breakup/letting go”, i can’t help but imagine what are the words of wisdom that readers can get from my blog…
and as for my new beginning, i am experiencing “emotional hyperventilation” at the moment and i plan to linger on the feeling for as long as i could. i don’t want to say i’ve found a new guy. i’d like to say someone makes me happy, and he doesn’t know it.
cubi,
fave post secret to date
realizations
1. when the doctor tells you that you have acid reflux, don’t test the limits of your body as if you are test driving a car and checking if it can survive nasty conditions. in the end, kremil-s may not be able to solve your tummy ache that you are not even sure if it was caused by too much coffee, coffee before eating, not eating on time, eating spicy food, or a combination of at least two of the things mentioned.
2. a starbucks planner costs 500 php on multiply, or even higher if you are not friends with the seller.
3. the undersigned can only consume two cups of grande ice blended coffee in a day.
4. my latest crush has a wife. at least he’s not gay. (due to recent events i have to categorize this. read: if i have known him earlier, maybe we’ll be good friends).
—cubi, should be eating her lunch but blogs her life on the www
i refuse to like him.
i refuse to like him.
i refuse to like him.
i refuse to like him.
i refuse to like him.
i refuse to like him
and he can’t stop being lovely, as he naturally is.
he is really lucky. 
–cubi, has a crush on someone 
back on blogosphere
forget about the guy on my last blog.
i shouldn’t be writing anything here anymore (like i already told you that a million times).
so expect more misadventures!
—cubi, cramming mode
let go.move on.
after experiencing life-changing events in 24 hours, i am reminded by Job and his testimony. i constantly tell myself:
“the Lord gives and takes away. blessed be the name of the Lord”.
i feel that the Lord wants me to let go of the things i really love and move forward to His grand plan. wherever you lead me, help me follow You.
—cubi, about to sleep, but will pick herself up, dust off and start all over again.
plurk edition
my ex-bestfriend (who happens to be the cousin of shem) and austra are plurk friends. ex-best invited me to do plurk.
and i read ex-best, austra and shem’s plurk updates.
nope, i am not getting a plurk account.
—cubi, sleepy
something to smile about valentines
growing up in a family that doesn’t celebrate Christmas or birthdays, it was natural for me to love valentines day and all the celebration it brings. I was a valentine baby after all (go figure). I find joy in looking at shopping windows and wondering how department stores literally paint the town red. Since my family was underprivileged, I found contentment in dreaming that someday, I will get to experience Valentines Day with that special someone and that day will be one of the best days of my life.
After 25 years of my existence in this world, I haven’t experienced my Valentine dream. But my best valentine memory would be attending UP Fair and feeling happy because I found a school that embraced me even if I’m different from the rest of the world. I find comfort in seeing the oblation and remembering how the school encouraged me to show what I can do to change the world and be one of the many selfless, sacrificial people who gave up their lives for the sake of our nation. This is definitely way better than finding romantic love that conforms to conditions like physical attraction, family approval and (believe it or not), same religion.
Five days to go and I still don’t have plans for Saturday. But I guess that’s better than senseless fights and recurring insecurities sometimes.
Happy Valentines everyone.
—cubi, will try to update the “about the writer” page soon J
tell me why it feels like 2007 again
note: i rarely repost especially if it’s from my myspace blog. but i am overjoyed with the recent events in my lolife, so, enjoy.
Current mood: 
contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
because i am a full-time student again. broke, but intelligently rich in stuff that i don’t get to apply yet in real life. something tells me i’m getting a job after a month.
because i just “broke up” with an ex and promised not to see him again.
because i am going out with someone who i don’t think will be part of my history anytime soon.choose between present and future.
because things are starting to feel weird and scary at the same time.
nelli, will stop watching those feel good chick flicks
ps.
my pe crush added me on facebook.
and yeah, i already have tickets to eheads, the final set.
lessons are learned the hard way
i am the type of girlfriend who cannot take an absentee boyfriend– the kind who at one point in his life will forget that i exist. blame it on work, school, or extra-curricular activities. i know the world does not revolve around me, and life goes on even if i’m not around. but hey, absence makes the heart go fonder. so, i guess it’s healthy to sometimes leave them alone. i have one request though: don’t leave me in the dark or else i will try to find you and the other girl that you are hiding. the slightest provocation drives me to be the girlfriend turned espionage.
this guy that i like has this tendency to vanish after a while, and then show up again like we pick up where we were left the last time. it’s a vicious cycle i can’t stand, but somehow having lack of a better option permitted me to rely on him. i wanna believe that he likes me too, or else i’ll be some psycho stalking him. his behavior is disgruntling and fyi: we’re not even a couple.
i realized i go ballistic at the same problems and each time, he can only say the magic word to make me feel better. after watching he’s not just that into you, and experiencing the same pitfall over and over, i think i’ve had enough (i hope).
at the end of the day, i know that there is someone who will treat me like a princess. and if there isn’t, i guess i can take care of myself.
—cubi, disappointed
plurk much?
ang labo ng mundo. hindi ko maarok. kailangan ko ng paliwanag. at kailangan ko mag-isip.
yan lang ang dapat nyong malaman.
—cubi, exhausted
like johnson’s baby shampoo
” look ma, no more tears!”
yes, indeed drama season is officially over. thank you for understanding my emo-filled rollercoaster ride for the past few months.
happiness is a state of mind and at the same time something that is not achieved by one’s own strength. while people aim at being happy, i pray for joy and peace. and forgiveness and more understanding.
the long vacation taught me a lot of things. and now that i’m ready to roll with the punches.
-cubi, thankful for holy week
hooked on facebook
i am trying to migrate all my friendster friends to facebook (i am thinking of closing my account here).
please add me up on facebook, my username is my real name: nelli cubarrubia.
thanks! and see you there!
—cubi, will wait for u on facebook. here’s to mafia wars and bumper stickers. 
